Letter to Sam

For those wondering, Sam is my only guy best friend.

Dear Sam,

I just want to thank you for stepping on my self-esteem for the past 10 years like some dried up leaves that just fell from a maple tree.

Since grade school, you kept on pushing me to the front because we had to arrange ourselves according to height. Turn to high school, you kept on pointing out my acnes like they were some abnormal skin disease I contracted from Mars. Not to mention, you kept on whispering to Joana, Stacey, and Sarah about the irregular growth of my nose hairs.

And hell my face went red when you were telling everyone about my balbon-ish skin and face. Actually, I still don’t know where I got the genes from. Both Mum, Dad, and sis have flawless skin. Do I need to apologise to you because God bestowed a rugged facial feature to a Filipino-Chinese?

Because of you, I actually felt I was the ugliest person on earth by the time I entered college. Ron, my course blockmate, even worsened the situation when he humiliated me in Math class because I entered the room all sweaty from the commute.

“Use a perfume, and wipe off your sweat, will ya?” he said it very audibly, so that all of our blockmates can hear. The class just snickered in unison.

I then remembered you during that time. With all the cute mestizos and Chinitos walking around our hallways and cafeteria, it just comes to show that I am at the bottom of the hierarchy when it comes to face value.

There…. Four years in college whisked away. I was holding on to my four-clover leaf, hoping that someday, someone will like me based on my inner beauty, not on what’s seen by the naked eye.

However, the world doesn’t work that way innit? I do want ask you about the times you spent in the gym, perfecting your 6-pack abs, and toning your pectoral muscles. Of course, physical attraction comes first, then that’s where it starts to become deeper. I’m not saying that there has to be a physical connection, but it’s rare for two people to go straight to delving each other’s inner selves.

So, my college life just arrived and left with no guy (or even girl) fancying me, save for one guy back in freshman year. I was still in denial stage at that time, so the relationship didn’t really materialise.

And the path to an all-time low didn’t stop there. By the time I had to go to Europe for my exchange studies in 2008, I had to swallow my pride as Caucasian blokes flooded the streets with their sharp features, bluish grey eyes, messed up blonde hair, and lean slender bodies.

During my 19th birthday, I actually wished that my mum would marry a Caucasian, so that I can strut freely with all the girls and guys being swooned by my celebrity-like appearance. How despicable of me, you reckon.

It’s because of you my dear friend.

And now, fast forward to 2010.

It all took some persuasion from by college best buds Trix and Nica to actually say that I don’t look that horrible at all. I still remember what Nica told me while we were on Trix’s car en route to Manila.

I can’t wait for you to have a girlfriend, because I know that she will be very lucky gal under your tender loving care and gentlemanly values.

Damn, even though I am not easily moved by touching words, what she said just pierced into my heart made of stone. However powerful her remarks may seem, your 10-year instillation was so effective that it stuck in my mind like a barnacle. Sad to say, it has already left an indelible scar that won’t disappear until I die.

As people would say, the tree would not stop growing unless you uproot it. You’ve planted the seed deeper than usual. That is why it would be hard, if not impossible, to weed it out.

As an occasional sadist, imagine the delight I experienced when 10 humongous acnes sprouted out from your oily forehead like mushrooms. Joana and I were quietly snickering whilst you were shopping for Panoxyl in Watson’s.

Returning to the present, your constant complaint on how I look made me suffer even more because of the repercussions that come with it regarding prospect-searching on the other side of the norm. You must know that gays in general are more inclined to judge the person based on his/her physical attributes, which makes the less blessed ones worse off.

Well, one can actually apply the social inequality quote here…. “The rich become richer, and the poor become poorer.”

I should ask you this Sam… Am I enough for this cute guy on the Tube? Is my face value sufficient for Olya, Akhal, or more importantly… Art?

Well, Art is a different case. I have to protect him from you Sam, because if ever you see him, you might scrutinise every part of his face like the way you did to me for all these years.

Art doesn’t look like the typical boy-next-door type. But you do know the notion of “it grows on you” right? Well, his features are epitomised by that quote.

Yes, this letter seems to stem from pure sheer hatred I’ve kept for 10 years, but not to worry. The good things we’ve shared outweighed all that. You were almost always there when I needed help, just like how real camaraderie works. I just hoped you were a better best friend to me.

So with that, I have to thank you Sam, for everything you’ve taught me.

P.S. This will never be received by the other party. And unless my gaydar is really messed up (which I think it is, really), I think you are one of us as well.

Oh, and happy 22nd birthday by the way. Wish I was in Mall of Asia right now celebrating with you lot.

Cheers,

Josh